Building self confidence in dating
On the contrary: true confidence comes from accepting blows to our ego, allowing ourselves to acknowledge the associated feelings, and finding ways to stay in the game.So an important component of restoring confidence is allowing ourselves the time and energy to tend to our wounds.More importantly, if you stay in the game, those wounds will morph into something more profound: a reminder that confidence, like a muscle, only grows through challenges.As Andrew Solomon helped us realize, the worst moments in our lives can make us who we are.A professional, personal, or creative setback will take time to properly process.Your wounds might not fully heal for some time (or ever, in some cases), but they will eventually become more bearable.
It also keeps you stationary and stagnant, and denies you the satisfaction of progress, which is the currency of confidence.
) Like all good therapy, the goal here is to get back to the business of being you — to the process of building your confidence by checking in with yourself, staying in the game, reframing your setbacks, and remembering that beautiful paradox: that by risking your confidence out there in the world, you ultimately contribute to its growth. An executive there once thought he was going to get fired after losing million of the company’s money, only to have the CEO surprise him. The rest of the story is what you choose to learn and do by seeing the situation differently. As interviewer Zane Lowe once said to Kanye West, “You win or you learn.” Through that lens, total failure — in which you gain nothing at all — is actually an illusion. And let’s be honest: When you’re feeling unconfident, quitting often feels like the only viable option.
This technique is called reframing touched on previously), and this perceptual shift allows you transform the beliefs that don’t help you achieve your goals (called “unresourceful beliefs”) into ones that do, and create actionable steps to make change. There are few things as immediately gratifying as quitting. But quitting has long-term consequences that can far outweigh the immediate rewards.
Friends, accountability partners, family and significant others are excellent partners for that conversation. Sometimes, getting out of your immediate surroundings (even for a day trip) will give you the space and clarity to reflect.
It can also remind you how vast and exciting and significant the world is, which is easy to forget when your confidence dips. Self-reflection (in whatever form) gives us the time and perspective to process events as they unfold.
That’s what this article is about: How to restore your confidence when it takes a hit — in an authentic, meaningful, and lasting way. (Here’s a working copy of that paper.) As we teach here at AOC, the body follows the mind, and the mind follows the body.