Jokes dating one liners
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg 5.
“Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.” – Unknown 26. In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'” – Doug Benson 47. “I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” – Richard Pryor 50.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
“I told him to be himself, that was pretty mean I guess.” – Roger Sterling 29. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey 30. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. That’s where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.” – Patrice O’Neal 37. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg 38. “There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK 42.“I taught Sunday School for two years. “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen 44. “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking.
“My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.”- Stewart Francis 31. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield 39. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan 40. “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.” – Unknown 7. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.” – Unknown 8.